Okay, so I saw a great article on USA Today called 27 Things I Would Do If I Were a Major League Baseball Player and it was amazing!! Not only was it super funny, it got me thinking about what I would do if I was a baseball player. Obviously, I’m terribly un-athletic and a girl, so, you know, no baseball for me, HOWEVER!! it is still fun to think about. When I was little, I thought for sure I would be the first female pitcher to break into the bigs, but then I grew up and grew steadily more uncoordinated. I don’t think they allow you to be a big league pitcher if you trip over your own feet while walking to the mound.
Anyway, here are some things I would do if I played baseball. My gender is a non-factor, so all of these are mostly just going to be about me being a turd and slowly annoying all of my teammates…
1) Wear a fake mustache some days just to freak everyone out.
I’m my mind, this plays out like “Oh, who is that very attractive, yet slightly feminine-looking man in the dugout? Oh! That’s just Hannah! What a silly goober! Gosh, we love her so much!”. In reality though, it would probably be like “Goddammit, Hannah’s wearing the fake mustache again. Oh my God she is so annoying. Why does she have to distract from the game like this?”
2) Wear the bubble gum bucket like a hat whenever I had the chance.
Let’s face it: I would probably be a bench player at best, or perhaps that awful bullpen go-to when the game is already a blow out. I feel like I would have sufficient time to goof off in the dugout/bullpen, so I might as well look like a stud and rock a bubble gum helmet.
3) Make those gross loud grunting noises that bros do when they lift.
I HATE going to the gym because some men decide to yell and grunt and make unnecessary noises when they lift weights. If I was on a team, I’d go work out and make those noises, too, just to show all the men how annoying that is. Then, one by one, they will stop and everyone can finally work out in peace.
4) Bat flip every single time I hit a home run.
I love a good bat flip. I would love nothing more than to bat flip, stare down the pitcher, and yell “YOU GAVE UP A HOMER TO A CHICK, BRO!”. It would thrill me to watch him get pissed but not be able to do anything.
5) Dance whenever I was on base.
I would dance my butt off every time I wait on the bases. I’m not fast, so I couldn’t steal a bag, which would give me a lot of time to just chill out and dance. Keep one foot on the bag, do the stanky leg with the other.
6) Have like, 100 different walk-up songs.
Everyone deserves to hear every song Bruce Springsteen ever released.
7) Give all of my teammates decorative soaps.
Lots of showering = a great need for soap. I might as well make sure the soap smells good. And it would be hilarious to see their reaction when opening it. “Oh wow! You got me a gift that’s so amaz-oh. Soap shaped like a sea shell. Thanks, I guess.”
8) Name my bats after major leaguers.
“Yeah man, A-Rod really came through for us today.”
“What do you mean? He’s been retired for years!”
“Nah, bro, my bat! I named my bat A-Rod.”
9) French-braid my teammates’ hair.
If you have long hair, watch out. I’m a french-braiding machine.
10) Give a TON of butt pats.
Have a good game? Butt pat. Have a terrible game? Butt pat. Tell a funny joke? Butt pat. Show up for practice on time? Butt pat. Grab a new piece of gum from the gum bucket/Hannah hat? Butt pat.
11) Touch Adrian Beltre’s head.
Few men dare to touch Beltre’s dome. I am not afraid. I will touch it and it will be glorious. I can only assume the heavens will open up and my hand will be caressed by an angel.
12) Make Orbit be my best friend.
The Astros’ mascot has a pension for pranks and I have to get in on that. Just when you thought you were safe, Hannah and Astro team up for epic pranks. But you can’t get mad because we are both too adorable.
13) EAT ALL THE CHURRO DOGS.
I would play in Arizona sometimes and insist that dozens of churro dogs be brought to the clubhouse for my personal consumption. I’d hate myself afterwords, but oh Lordy it would be worth it. I regret nothing.
14) Pull a Marshawn Lynch on occasion after games.
I’m just here so I won’t get fined. God is good. God bless.
15) Mercilessly troll other players/fans/trolls on Twitter.
“Hey Jose Fernandez! You should have struck me out w/ 3 pitches instead of 4! Hahahaha”
16) Lay down a bunt at least once a game.
Hey, realistically I won’t be a homerun-smacking ballplayer! But, I bet I could lay down a sweet bunt once in awhile. And it would be hilarious because players would be so mad! But I’d just be chillin’ there on first like “Yeah I bunted, but it worked. Suck it!”
17) Talk enough smack to start a bench-clearing brawl, but run away and hide
I’m a coward, what can I say? I’m all bark, no bite. I’ll talk trash until I see a 6’5″ dude trying to plow me into the ground. Yeah, no, nope, I’m good. Hannah out.
18) Tater-trot around the bases when I homer.
Not only will I bat flip, but I will trot around the bases like I got nothing better to do. Like, yeah, I sent that ball 350ft away, I deserve to mosey around the bags. Sue me.
19) Make a big deal about retiring, then getting pissed when no one cares.
Let’s face it: I was a jerk during my major league career, so the only thing people will be celebrating is me leaving. Do svidaniya, nerds!
20) Retire and start a goat farm, causing me to become more and more well-liked once I start posting adorable goat pictures.
Is there really an explanation needed? Goats are the best.