Whatever Happened to Justin Verlander?

With an ERA of 4.83 and WHIP of 1.54 (as of this moment, right now on June 21), we are not seeing the usual Justin Verlander. In fact, I think we are seeing Mother Russia’s robot version of Justin Verlander, designed to throw baseball into a tailspin, which in turn will throw all of America into a tailspin. The real Justin Verlander has been kidnapped and is probably somewhere in Siberia, wishing he could grow a warm beard at a faster rate. 

Actually, I do not know for a fact if the 2014 Justin Verlander is a robot, but it sure would explain a lot. Maybe Verlander is simply tired. After all, he has played in October the last few years, so he doesn’t have as much time to rest as he might need. That, of course, is a problem I am sure he would love to have. However, 2014 is the first year of his career where his win percentage is below .500. The season is not quite half over, so no need to panic yet, but it is a bit of a head-scratcher. As of right now, at this very moment, on June 21, the first day of summer, ESPN has projected that he will end the year with a 4.88 ERA and a WHIP of 1.54. Yikes.

I do have a theory about why Justin Verlander has suddenly turned into a total suck-fest. It’s not really a scientific theory, and it might be without merit, but it explains everything. It explains the timing of his awfulness, too. 

Justin Verlander’s problem is Kate Upton.

There. I said what I am sure all of America is thinking. 

Ever since Verlander started dating supermodel Kate Upton again, he has been just awful. Me doth think the good Verlander is spending too much time with his bouncy blonde. When he was not dating Upton, his ERA was around 3.50 and his postseason ERA was 0.39. Gasp! I’m totally right about this one, you guys! His arms must be tired from carrying her shopping bags. His mind must be tired from listening to Supermodel Problems all night when he really needs to be catching some sleep. Frankly, putting up with Kate Upton seems exhausting.

It has been long proven that when a baseball player dates a famous person, his numbers go down. I don’t know why this is, but it is a not-yet-proven fact that is completely plausible. But what is Verlander to do? Obviously he likes this chick (I don’t see why), but he has to think of the team! The Detroit Tigers are paying him just over $20 million this year and he is not pitching like his contract demands him to pitch. He is pitching like a guy who is fighting for a rotation spot. If he was not Justin Verlander, but rather, some other not-filthy rich, random pitcher, he would be the number five starter this year. It’s like, I feel bad for him, but kind of not really. 

Justin, if you are in fact NOT a Russian robot, you must take one for the team. You must break up with Kate Upton. I know, it will be hard, but you can date her in the off-season! Have Upton be your winter woman! Yeah, do that! And if you get lonely during the regular season, I happen to know a 20-something college girl who would have no problem traveling around with you and watching your games. 


Author: shestealssecond

I love baseball more than I love Churro Dogs and I'm cooler than A-Rod wearing Ray Bans.

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